Alma 9:16-17, Elena

On my mission, I taught a woman named Elena.  I described her like this in my mission journal: “We’re teaching a woman named Elena whom I love.  She lives alone, she’s about 50… She’s really dura de Corazon on a few things.”  This woman had been raised in a particular Christian church and had always counted that religion as a key part of her identity.  She had been especially close to her Mother, who was also an avid believer in that faith.  Elena had never married—she had cared for her mother until her death, and since then had been extremely lonely.

My companion, Lana Whipple, and I were the first people who had shown a lot of love and individual attention to Elena in years.  She loved studying and discussing the scriptures, and she was very curious about what we had to share.  Almost every day that we visited her, she would start off with a blunt statement that she didn’t believe in our message and we should probably stop wasting our time on her.  But then as we shared with her during the visit she would listen intently, ask questions, and agree with things we said.  She always seemed hungry for more.  As she absorbed more and more of the gospel message, she got happier and happier.  We developed a strong love for her and vice versa.  Lana and I talked about her all the time, about how wonderful and sincere and faithful she was, and how much we loved her.  Over the course of a couple of months we worked with her as she presented her questions to God and to us one at a time and worked through her doubts.  I remember the day when she stated that she had come to know that the Book of Mormon was true.  We were so excited for her—we just knew how joining the Church would turn her lonely life around and give her so much joy and purpose.

Until one day she gave up.  Since we met her, she’d been struggling with feelings of betrayal against her old church, and more specifically, against her mother and other family who had so firmly followed it together.  We tried to teach her that all of her family would eventually have the opportunity to learn the rest of the truth and accept it if they wished.  But that concept was too much for her to hope for.  She told us in tears that she knew our church was true but that she couldn’t accept it and betray her family, and she asked us not to come back.

This experience broke my heart.  I loved Elena so much, with the kind of pure, selfless love that can only come as a gift of God when He grants you a glimpse into what He sees in one of His sons or daughters.  I knew the depth of the opportunity she had passed up, and I knew that she had done so after receiving a divine answer that what we were offering her was real and of God.  I thought of many scriptures that describe people who are too stubborn to accept the truth when it is made manifest to them, and that state that such people cannot inherit the fullness of the Celestial Kingdom.  This life is our test, the scriptures make that clear.  Somehow, consciously or unconsciously, I passed judgment on Elena and determined that she would go to the Terrestrial Kingdom and miss out on Celestial blessings.

For over a year this bothered me.  With Elena and other people I met.  I never found my answer throughout my mission, nor for months afterwards.  Then one day as I was reading in the Book of Mormon, I came upon this scripture in Alma 9: 16-17:

16 For there are many promises which are extended to the Lamanites; for it is because of the traditions of their fathers that caused them to remain in their state of ignorance; therefore the Lord will be merciful unto them and prolong their existence in the land.

 17 And at some period of time they will be brought to believe in his word, and to know of the incorrectness of the traditions of their fathers; and many of them will be saved, for the Lord will be merciful unto all who call on his name.

For the first time in my life, I grasped the enormity of God’s mercy.  His plan for His children is perfect.  He knows each of us perfectly, and He loves Elena way more than I am capable of loving her.  He knows her heart.  I don’t have to tell Him how good she is.  He knows her life, her feelings, her loneliness, her family background and teaching.  And He knows exactly why she chose not to accept the Church.  Suddenly the Spirit rushed over me and gave me a warm, calm assurance that Elena would be fine.  I would see her some day in the Celestial Kingdom.

Since then, I’ve looked at people differently.  We all have our own, personalized test in this life, and we’re expected to do our very best with what is given to us.  I don’t worry anymore about who has or has not qualified for exaltation.  I try to see the best in those around me, believe in them, and trust that God’s plan is more perfect than anything I can wrap my head around.  I firmly believe that those who love God and want to be with Him will be.  I can’t wait to see so many good people I met on my mission—some who accepted the gospel and some who still haven’t—in the Celestial Kingdom someday.

By Way of Introduction...

                I’ve already written a couple of entries to this blog, but I didn’t want to publish it to my friends until I’d written an introductory explanation of what I’m doing.  I’m not going to take it personally if no one reads this blog, because I’m writing it primarily for me.  If someone else reads it and somehow benefits—that’s even better.  J  But it originally came to be as a tool for me in my personal scripture study.

                Over the summer, I was pondering what I can do to improve my study habits.  On my mission there was always more to study than there was time to study it in, and now it’s sometimes hard to decide how to fill my daily goal of 30 minutes with something really meaningful.  I noticed that usually I would just read something I’d read countless times before in the same way I’d always read it, and learn nothing besides the same things I always learned.  I knew from experience that there was a better way, and that my study could come to mean so much more to me than that.  I decided it was time to start putting more effort into my study, and direct that time more purposefully and intentionally.

                I admire my dad for his study habits.  He always seems to be learning something new and real from the scriptures.  I noticed that he had compiled several study projects.  Most recently, for example, he published a declaration of his beliefs about Jesus Christ for all of his friends to see.  He searched out scriptures that defined the attributes of the Christ that he believed in, and wrote segments about each of these attributes.  When he was done with this project, he had a beautiful, printed, finished product to show for it—something he could keep, share, and refer to forever after.  What a valuable resource he had created!

                Pondering this study technique, I approached Dad one day and asked him about his scripture study projects.  He showed me some I’d seen before and a bunch I didn’t even know about.  He had created his own detailed harmony of the gospels’ descriptions of the last week of Christ’s life.  He had written about various specific topical studies, examining all of the resources available to him to learn about these things in depth.

                I was inspired.  I began to talk to Dad about how I could try this study method and how it could be beneficial to me.  I loved the idea of working hard with an end in mind, and creating a study tool that I would want to keep and refer back to throughout my life.  I brainstormed a few projects and got to work.

                The first project I undertook was a chart of the people, places, and events of the Book of Mormon.  I realized I had read it dozens of times but still didn’t have the big picture in my head of how all the stories fit together.  This project is still in progress.  I’m very excited about how it’s going so far—it challenges me and has already helped me to better understand the book that I love so much.

                This could then be called the second of my study projects.  About a year ago I felt prompted to start a list of the scriptures that had really come to mean something to me.  I titled the list “Soul Treasures”, because these scriptures had at different points in my life spoken to my soul, playing a part in my personal development and often providing beautiful answers to my prayers.  Some of these stories are in my journal, but I liked the idea of writing about each of them specifically, and describing what I’ve learned from these sacred experiences.  I hope that if you decide to take the time to read them, you can understand a little better why I am what I am, and how much my faith really means to me.  Thanks for checking it out!

Ether 12:27

Ether 12:27 has been one of my favorite scriptures for as long as I can remember.  I always thought it was such a comforting message that it’s okay that we’re weak and we have imperfections, because Christ has the power to strengthen us and help us to become strong individuals.  I loved the promise that my weaknesses could actually become my strengths.

It wasn’t until my mission, however, that I came to understand that there was much more to the scripture than that.  As a new missionary, I became more acutely aware of my weaknesses than I’d ever been before.  At first it was little things, like my inability to live the schedule perfectly or my fear of contacting people on the streets.  But as time went on and I progressed as a missionary, I noticed that I was having more and more painful realizations of what my weaknesses were.  Some of these faults were things I had never noticed, that seemed to me to be serious defects in my personality and personal progress.  I was surprised—I was on a mission.  I felt closer to God than I’d ever been.  Why at this time was I feeling less than positive about the quality of person I was?

Then I re-read this favorite scripture, and suddenly saw a whole new level of meaning.

“If men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness.”

I’d read that line a hundred times, and even pondered the Lord’s ability to show us our weaknesses.  But it wasn’t until I came to Christ more fully than I ever had—dedicating all of my time, effort, and heart to Him for a year and a half—that I gained personal experience of what it meant.  Of course I was seeing weaknesses I’d never seen before.  I had never been so close to the Savior!

This realization brought me great comfort.  I wasn’t a worse person than I’d been in the past.  The fact that I was noticing these defects in myself was a good thing.  And an exciting thing.  It meant not that I was doing something wrong, but that I was doing something right.  Christ was showing me my weaknesses so that He could make them become my strengths.  I tried to humble myself and work on these things, and God was as good as His word.  He did help me turn those defects into strengths.

Since that realization, it hasn’t been nearly as discouraging when I’ve noticed something weak in myself.  Really, it’s a very good sign—it means I’m coming to Christ!  And it means that I’m on the verge of a breakthrough if I allow Christ to change me and help me to become strong in Him.

Matthew 6:25-34 and “Be Still, My Soul”

9/22/12

All of my life, I planned on going to BYU.  When I went there to visit Cam, I had a wonderful feeling that it was where I wanted to be.  I didn’t apply anywhere else.

It was just as wonderful as I’d always imagined.  Cam was there, with a ready-made group of wonderful friends waiting for me.  Jaime went with me.  I loved the environment, the classes, the people—everything.  I had two of the happiest years of my life there.

But after two failed attempts to enter the music program, I had a decision to make.  After much prayer, pondering, and conversation with friends and family, I chose to transfer.  Within a couple of months Mom was dropping me off in Cedar City.  It was a bit of a whirlwind.  I arrived at an empty apartment, having no idea who my roommates were or where they could be.  I spent that first weekend alone.  At some point I made the unsettling realization that I didn’t know a soul in the area.  In fact, no one within miles and miles knew my name or would even notice if I disappeared.   I had never felt so lonely or completely overwhelmed in my life.

Sunday afternoon, after some unsuccessful attempts to find some company in the ward, I went for a walk on campus.  I sat down by the bell tower and watched the sunset, praying and thinking about this terrifying new step in my life.  I felt some comfort, like God was near me.  I felt prompted to open up to Matthew 6.  I don’t remember if I was flipping through the scriptures and felt like I should stop there, or if I was aware I was turning to the Sermon on the Mount.

From vs. 25 until the end of the chapter, I felt that God was speaking to me.

“Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them.  Are ye not much better than they?”

I realized that I was stressing too much about some of my needs and desires.  I believed that God, my Father, would take care of me as He lovingly takes care of all of His creations.

                “your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.”

God knew what I was going through.  He knew how terrified I was.  And He knew exactly what I needed—in that instance, friends.  I felt the Spirit warmly assure me that this was true, that I was receiving direct personal revelation.  My Father was telling me that He loved me and He would provide what I needed.  I should be calm and trust Him.

Just a couple of weeks later I heard a choir rehearsing the hymn, “Be Still My Soul”, and the message was driven home again:

“Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.  Bear patiently thy cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide; in every change, He faithful will remain.  Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future, as He has the past.  Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last.  Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.”

Since that experience, my trust that the Lord will take care of me has become a crucial part of who I am.  It is my favorite part of my testimony to know that no matter what, as long as I am doing all I can to stay close to Him, He will be there for me.  I know that God will guide my future as He has the past—and I know that He loves me enough to remind me of that when I seek Him.